Topic
What’s wrong – why can’t I get an orgasm
I wish I could go back and undo the past forty years of feeling sexually “challenged.” Questions plagued me: Why couldn’t I have an orgasm? Why couldn’t I climb the peak to fulfillment during sex? What was wrong with me? It has taken me nearly forty years to find out the answers to the questions that have haunted me and thrown a cloud over my relationship with my husband. I was missing out on a vital aspect of my womanhood. What made it even worse was that I knew it, but I did not know how to fix it and neither did my doctors.
By the end of my first year of marriage, I felt dissatisfied and uncertain of my womanhood. My married friends exchanged stories of a healthy sexual life, but I could only listen, pretend to understand, and wonder, “What is wrong with me?” One thing was for sure, sex was just okay, enjoyable for its human contact and tenderness but leaving me empty and unfulfilled as a woman. I wouldn’t share this with my husband; I felt it would tear away at his self-esteem as a man. When I approached my gynecologist with my problem, his advice was simple: relax and drink a glass of wine before going to bed. I was stunned. Was that my problem? Was I so tense that I couldn’t be responsive to my husband’s touch? With enthusiasm, I tried the wine, but there was no measurable difference. If this was the best medical science could offer me, I was doomed. Over the ensuing years, I kept my frustration to myself hoping that one day “it” would happen. I constantly read articles, but no advice helped. I sought out a female doctor, hoping for some insight and understanding. Instead, I walked away feeling humiliated at her snickering response. In fairness, she just didn’t know how to help me. At ten years into my marriage, my physical relationship with my husband was more to meet his needs than my own. In fact, my desire level was irritatingly low. I believed it was because I had just given up the hope of ever experiencing an orgasm. I knew my husband struggled with not being able to please me sexually, but I couldn’t find a way to fix my problem.
Finally, at the age of forty, I experienced an orgasm, but it was a solo affair. I had read in a popular women’s magazine that some ladies needed to train their bodies to respond through the use of a vibrator. It was a wow moment that, unfortunately, did not transfer to the bedroom. Feeling more isolated with a problem I could not explain, I wanted to blame my husband, yet deep down, I knew he wasn’t the problem. I was.
After some time, I sought advice from yet another gynecologist. I asked about Viagra and was told in women the risks outweighed the benefits. My doctor assured me my problem was common, but there was nothing available to help women. My interest in sex was still there (stubborn female that I am), but my desire was almost non-existent. In fact, my husband and I would go for long stretches without a sexual experience. I began reading romance novels. The sex scenes were steamy and erotic. I decided if sex was just half as good as what I was reading, I was really missing out. I wanted to experience sexual fulfillment in the arms of a man, not alone with a vibrator.
At 59, I once again swallowed my pride and spoke to my current doctor. This time, the gynecologist directed me to Dr. Goldstein at San Diego Sexual Medicine at Alvarado Hospital. My GYN thought I might try to be part of a study related to female sexual health. I soon discovered his knowledge of what the institute offered was limited when three weeks later, I convinced myself to make the call. A phone interview was set up with Dr. Goldstein, and he encouraged me to attend the Sex in the City seminar the following week. Perfect timing!
The seminar was an eye-opening experience. I learned about the causes of sexual dysfunction in its various forms, and I heard women share their journeys to sexual wellness. During the explicit power-point presentation, Dr. Goldstein discussed the current research and explained various treatment options. I felt empathy for the anonymous women in the slide presentation and was secretly relieved I was not one of them. After all, my problem should have been fixed with a glass of wine.
Under Dr. Goldstein’s care, I underwent various blood tests and a thorough genital examination. And yes, I was one of “those” women with multiple physical issues. Shocked but relieved, I was finally getting real answers to my questions. For the first time, optimism flooded me. The doctor’s team of specialists, the “O” team, addressed all my issues: the right balance of hormones, strengthened pelvic floor muscles, various sexual techniques, and state of mind during sex. What an incredible team of interested, caring individuals who were there to support me.
It’s been an awesome journey over the past five months. I am not yet where I want to be, but I feel confident I will get there, I am taking control of my sexuality, and I am more responsive to my husband. My desire level has definitely increased. Much to my husband’s surprise, I now initiate sex. My sexual responses are stronger, and I have learned how to physically manipulate an orgasmic experience. In fact, my husband, feeling a little left out, wishes I had started this journey twenty years ago, but I keep reminding him, there weren’t doctors who specialized in women’s sexual health issues twenty years ago. Today, women finally have real answers to real problems.
One remark I heard months ago left an impression on me: a woman shouldn’t treat her sexual health any differently than she would treat any other part of her body that needs medical attention. Even though the journey may be arduous, as women, we need to be our own advocates and seek the help we need to be able to live a fulfilled and complete life.