Topic
ED has two victims, one obvious and one overlooked — the partner
I am writing this to help others. What started out as a sexual issue in our marriage has mushroomed into something far more complex. It’s been 10 long years and I’m not exaggerating when I tell you that my husband Joe’s sexual issue has defined my life. I was 37 years old, and without warning, my sex life abruptly ended. Maybe that wouldn’t have been such a big deal for some women, but it was devastating to me. I should have had therapy years ago to learn to deal with Joes’s sexual issue, but I didn’t. I never even discussed it with a friend, because I felt like it would be an act of betrayal against him. By nature, I am a problem-solver, and had the problem been mine, I would have stopped at nothing to try to fix it. But the problem was Joe’s, so I was helpless to do much about it. Needless to say, that led to great frustration. I did manage to find Dr Goldstein and that was significant. Dr G offered Joe help, but when the first option or two (oral pills and injections) ceased to work, Joe simply slipped into denial rather than continue to work with the doctor to find other alternatives. He had a direct line to the pre-eminent sexual medicine doctor, and he refused to use it! I stayed after him constantly, but I guess he just didn’t want to face it. So, I’ll be honest, I have a lot of anger and resentment toward him. Every step he has taken over the years, he has taken begrudgingly, and only at my insistence. Until now – now that he has considered the penile implant.
I don’t want it to appear that I’m insensitive. I can’t imagine being in Joe’s shoes, but that doesn’t change the fact that he was not as proactive as he should have been. I cautioned him repeatedly over the years that if he did not actively address this sexual issue, it would take care of itself. I don’t guess Joe heard me. So, somewhere along the way, we lost our bond. The loss of intimacy, the anger, the self-pity, the resentment, the humiliation, the hunger, the helplessness, and the hopelessness–all conspired to erode our relationship. I felt abandoned, physically and emotionally. I’m sure Joe felt the loss, too, but just didn’t know how to reach out to bridge the gap. Over time, you continue to grow apart until no one’s needs are being met.
You’re probably thinking that this is not about me; it’s about Joe. He has the sexual problem. But I disagree. ED is an insidious disease, because it has two victims, one obvious and one overlooked–the partner. Not only was Joe’s sexual health affected; so was my own sexual health. And while his ability may have been compromised, mine was not. I was (and am) a young woman with a very healthy sexual appetite, and I’ve nearly lost my mind trying to neglect my own needs in order to faithfully support a man who wouldn’t take the initiative to fix the problem. You have no idea how much stress I have carried over the years, and how internalizing it has affected me. You’ll have to forgive me if I’m being indulgent, but for the first time in 10 years, I’m actually talking about my feelings. Not only is it liberating for me, but I think it’s important for everyone to hear the partner’s perspective.
My husband is a good man, and I love him. I support his decision to now go for the penile implant, and I will see him through the surgery if he chooses to pursue it. I’m just not sure that we can ever make up for what we lost or re-establish our emotional connection.